Dying to Live

   “ Sometimes life feels so fragmented that I cannot connect feelings to situations. I sure am grateful to know who holds all the pieces and that He will put them together in a way that will one day make sense again. Not my way, but yours oh God.” April 28, 2017   This status showed up in my Facebook memories today and it took me back to probably one of the hardest times we ever went through. We lost my sister in law suddenly that November before. There was a custody battle for my niece. My mother in law was declining in her fight with cancer and my dad was declining at that moment with an unknown sickness. I was taking care of my dad (who thankfully only lived downstairs), homeschooling a 9 year old, taking care of a 2 year old and working part time. All the while trying to provide emotional support to my mom who was helping my brother with his girls.  Jay was working 50+ hours and usually heading to see his mom after work. If my mom was home to stay with my Dad the kids and I wo

   So Monday was a super rough day mentally. I woke up feeling bogged down as I stared another week of social-distancing at home in the face. Our situation currently includes homeschooling a super TWEEN 12 year old, who is partially doing on line learning through his part-time private school. A husband who is working from home via our double living room, answering customer calls; while I wrestle with our very active and over-emotional, button-pushing 5 year old who thinks he runs the world, in to submission. Mix  that with 2 dogs, a cat, a master escape artist hamster and a bird who likes to vocally combust when he feels like he's left out. Did I mention this all takes place within about a 1,000 sq ft apartment? If coffee becomes as scarce as toilet paper.. I AM DOOMED! I have noticed I'm not the only one who hit a wall this week. A lot of us are spent in one way or another during this time of upheaval. I don't pretend to be any different in my struggles of frustration in

  I know I joke a lot but I can feel the genuine fear and anxiety that's running rampant in this time of uncertainty. A huge worry right now seems to stem from the thought of running out of necessities and I get it. I have been in the spot of not knowing how we will feed our family before. It's a scary and uncomfortable place to be. But those are the realest places that God meets us. Those are the times we see His faithfulness shine the brightest. I am not dismissing the validity of the concerns and feelings during these times. But I strongly feel like someone needs this word right now.   When we look at Philippians 4, we see Paul encouraging the church during times of uncertainty. They are some wonderfully, useful instructions.      Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hear

    Last week our family experienced the pain of loss when we found out our baby had no heartbeat and stopped developing at 9 weeks. It has been harder than I thought it would be. Physically and emotionally. One of the harder things was having to tell our boys that the baby wouldn't be coming. When we told them we had "lost the baby" our four year old looked shocked as if we had simply misplaced our child. We quickly explained to him that the baby was in heaven. He cried, his older brother cried. We all cried together. What came next? The talk of hope and a simple sweet prayer from our youngest "Dear God, please send us another baby." Though that moment was hard, his prayer was so sweet. It keeps playing through my mind but not for reasons you would think. It keeps reminding me how much His love truly changes everything.   His love changed everything when He traded His throne for a manger. His love changed everything when He gave up His crown of righteousness

He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. John 3:30 NLT   I usually know when God is prompting me to step out of my comfort zone. I get restless. I feel a need to close the world out so I can just be still and listen. He grows my hunger and thirst for His word and His presence, and there's a feeling of excitement mixed with fear of failing. A lot of the times I just feel completely inadequate to play out the task He has set before me. Whether it's my lack of skills, or I don't look the part or so many other people are better equipped than me, or the 1,000 other excuses I could think up and allow myself to believe. There is always something that completely intimidates me.    But God keeps brining me back to John 3:30. I must decrease so that He may increase. I must declare His promises and His truths. This truth is I am equipped through Christ. It doesn't matter how I "feel", He knows exactly who I am. If He has called me, it'

  A few weeks ago my friend (who is also our worship pastor) asked me to write a short paragraph about promises God revealed to me during a season of pain. I feel like God is asking me to blog about it more in detail. I'll begin with the paragraph I wrote:    Last year was a painful season in my life but from it came so much growth. One of the moments that stands out to me most happened one night while I was outside shoveling snow. I felt like God wasn't answering me because nothing seemed to be getting easier. In fact, things kept getting worse. I angrily just started pouring out to God all the questions of why and telling Him how much I hated this season I was in. I did this until nothing but tears were left to pour out. I stood in the quiet of that winter night and looked over at the tree in our yard. Every single branch was iced over and the glow from street light made it look like crystal. It was so beautiful. I heard God speak the words "my ways are not your ways