A Year Goes By

Surely God is my help;
    the Lord is the one who sustains me.- Psalm 54:3

   This is week our baby boy turns one! I remember looking back over Kai's first year with such joy and peace. It's hard to do this with Theo. I don't think I realized just how hard until we began planning his birthday party. It makes me feel guilty. His birth is something I'm so grateful for, but wish I could forget at the same time. I'm not one who reacts to things as they're happening, emotionally. I shut down and just get through them. So lately I find myself reliving the smells, the sounds and the anxieties of his first week of life. I have never been someone to dwell on anything, I take things in stride and focus on the positive and move on. But I'll admit, this one is hard. It's the feeling of this time of year, the weather and atmosphere. Anytime I've thought back to his first days of life, I have only focused on the day he came home. The days before that are a blur. The Dr's.The wires. Holding off on pain meds so I could walk myself to the NICU and see his little face without being groggy. Waiting for Jay every morning so we could make it to the NICU and talk to the medical team making rounds. (who were the greatest people) The worst is still the guilt of leaving him there, I loathed that. But through that blur of hard time, there's something that overshadows it all and that's to see how much our Lord truly sustained us. While we were in the rune of chaos, we had that anchor of peace.

    Though it's difficult in certain moments, I can't help but feel so grateful. We could've lost our baby, but we didn't. He could've had delays from lack of oxygen, but it appears he doesn't. He could've been in the NICU for months, but he wasn't. He hasn't been an easy baby but knowing that things could've been worse, or not have been at all is how God has sustained me. He has shown me how He will be my anchor. He has shown me that I am merely human and as a human it's ok to be weak, because He is strong. It's ok to be weary, for He will carry me. It's ok to need help, for He is where my help comes from. He is all my need. He is enough. He will help me and sustain me no matter what storm I am facing. 

    I love you baby boy and am so grateful for your life and the lessons it has brought, and will continue to bring!      

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